I cockslap morals
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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