I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Verdict: uncircumcised.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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