he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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