Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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