Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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