AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize