I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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