Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
