Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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