Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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