Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
