Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
