Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
