I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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