mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
