im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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