Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
