they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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