If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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