y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
