I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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