Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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