My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize