How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
