the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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