I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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