He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
