Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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