Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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