I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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