Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
and i looked up. we had an audience...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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