why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
