I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
