I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
