I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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