I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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