You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
