Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
