We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I would ride that face into the sunset
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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