We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What a dumb baby whore.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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