Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
