Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
