I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
