So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
