im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
