I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
