I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
