if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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