i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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