I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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