i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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