I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
