I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
