Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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