The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
