I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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